Emotional Validation in Immigrant Families
If you’re like many people I know, the title alone may have made you laugh. My parents, emotions? Validation? You must be crazy!
Nearly every day I hear clients recounting stories from childhood all the way to the present of parents scoffing at their emotions. “You think you have it bad? That’s nothing compared to the old country!” “Stop crying; I didn’t bring you to this country for you to cry all the time!” “Don’t be sad; you have it so good.” “Don’t you understand how much we’ve sacrificed for you?” “You’re being so selfish!” “We brought you here to be happy.”
Maybe this sounds familiar. Maybe you shrug it off, or maybe it really grinds your gears. Why your parents may communicate this way is a subject for another time. What I want to focus on is understanding how this has impacted you and what you can do about it.
When Invalidation Comes from Inside
Often from the same clients I hear the same lines, just directed toward themselves. “I shouldn’t be this upset.” “I don’t know why I’m here whining about my problems.” “I don’t know why I can’t just deal with this.” “It’s so stupid that I feel this way.”
Let me introduce the concept of introjection. The basic idea is that as kids (or really throughout our lives) we take in to our own minds the models we are given. These models, these people, these personalities, take up residence inside of us. This isn’t a conscious process; it just happens. If we’re shown kindness, we tend to bring in kindness. If hostility, then more hostility. We are learning from the people around us how to respond to experiences. In the case of expressing emotions like anger and sadness, we learn how to respond to these from our caregivers. We then in turn tend to treat ourselves the same way.
Stopping Invalidation from the Inside
This can be a serious problem. Does the critical voice in your head sound exactly like your mom? Your grandfather? Does the rejecting, dismissing voice sound like your dad? Your older sister?
Often just asking yourself this question can be illuminating. Who does this self-critical voice sound like? And if you’re able to put a finger on it, then bingo, you’ve found an introject.
Now, let’s not get too preoccupied with introjects - they can be good and bad and everything in between. This is a crucial part of human development. The difficulty is that what is modeled for us in childhood, what we experience repeatedly in the most important relationships in our lives, is tremendously powerful. So if you have a deep history of emotional invalidation, you will have some work to do.
But there is good news. This is absolutely something that can change. The first step is identifying it, and continuing to call it out whenever it happens, whenever you do it to yourself. (How to respond to this ongoing with your actual parents is another question I’ll speak to at a later time).
This may sound simple, but actually breaking free of this kind of invalidation, especially when it’s ongoing, can be very difficult. A multicultural counseling perspective allows for exploring the nuances of your experience in the context of your particular family/culture/race/etc. If you need extra support with this, or if you think your particular experience is more complex (it often is), please reach out.